Sharing a Bed

There have been many changes in your life and sometimes you roll with those changes and other times the fear brings chaos and erratic emotions that try my tiny string of patience. It took some time for you to sleep alone in your own bed. The light had to be just right the TV set to the correct sleep timer number. How you knew a half an hour was 30 minutes and caught me setting it for just 20. The crying, the negotiating, the hugging my neck for dear life, and finally my flash point of anger for you to Buck Up! I am just going to the couch, 20 feet away!

How did we get in such a habit? You and I going to bed at the same time or you going first and making my side hot with your furnace like heat. Was I weak?

I like to think it was because of Marmie. When she moved in with us she let you sleep with her while I traveled to the other side of the world. You both needed each other. Your grandmother no longer had my father to sleep by her after deciding 36 years of marriage was long enough. And you, you needed her because I was working and could not even be home for your birthday. (I will always be sorry for that)

But when we moved to our own house, just you and I, the first house I was able to buy for us because I traveled to the other side of the world and broke free from single mother poverty, we spent many nights snuggled together in my bed. So many nights I would pick you up from daycare and we would both take a bath and get ready for bed. It was only 6:30 but what else were we going to do? Some of those nights I was able to convince you that peanut butter and crackers was a perfectly healthy dinner and I even threw in a Capri Sun to let you know how special it was.

But then our family was going to change. We were going to have a man in the house. You would have to sleep in your own bed. I had been told by many people that I should never have started this bed sharing habit, that it would be hard for you if I ever got married. But marriage seemed so far away at the time and I needed you, I think more than you needed me.

So I started the weening process. Months before your stepfather and I were going to be married. We didn't want you to think it was because of him. No, better that you think I no longer want you to sleep with me, just for me. It was not easy. I said so many things to you that I regret. My anger was right there for you to see. I am sorry. But eventually, you did it. You were sleeping in your own bed and without crying and gnashing of teeth when I tucked you in.

I have missed you. I know I am not suppose to and really I do sleep so much better but I miss you playing with my ear and spontaneously kissing the top of my hand as I wrap my arm around you. I know why I did this co sleeping, it was to make up for all the time I was away from you during the day. You are older now, in first grade. You don't need me to hold you so much. Sometimes you even shrug me off just like I did to you when you hung on my legs and never let me go the bathroom while you toddled around the house. I get it.

But this weekend, the third weekend in May, I have an empty spot in my bed. There is a concert in Dallas that I am not going to. I absolutely love being married and I know you love him too but hopefully this weekend either you sleep in my bed with me or I will finally succumb to the urge and climb into bed with you.