Friendship Bracelets

Look what came in the mail Saturday! FOUR Friendship Bracelets! I can't decide if you were more excited about the actual bracelets or that Jessie sent you a package. The package could have just been air but the fact that it was sent by Jess made it priceless.

After heartbreaking (more for me than you) day when friendship bracelets were made and yours was not wanted and you were not given this token of *lasting* friendship Jessie came to the rescue. It is amazing that this 14 year old daughter of my high school friend is a part of your life. It is something that I treasure and I never thought it would mean so much. But then again I never thought that the 3 year old toddler who took over a cookout with all of her mom's single friends by stripping down and demanding right then and there that she had to have a bath, NOW!, would grow up to be someone my own daughter would look up to and idolize.

I remember that night so vividly even though her mother does not. Probably because it happened all the time and Tresh was used to it. But for LouAnn and I we were like WHAT?! What is this kid doing? doesn't she see that we are talking? can't she just go play? why doesn't she stopping screaming and crying? Sheesh.

But then I had my own little screaming bundle of joy. Seven years after Tresh had hers and LouAnn well she kept going until she had her bookends two boys anchoring two girls. Things have changed but our friendship has only gotten stronger, less superficial.

You will have many friends through the years. Some will stay with you and others will fade away. But please remember that the ones you meet while growing up keep you grounded and the ones you meet through work will know you better than you know yourself.

You will not always have the need for friendship bracelets to prove who your friends and when that time comes it is very freeing. Take good care of your friends and be someone people want to be friends with not because of what you have or can do but because of who you really are.


I only hope that one day you will have friends like I have. That their children will know your children. Friends that you know that if anything ever happened to you or you had an emergency they would be there. You will always have me but when you feel like you can't stand me or you need someone else to talk to just know that I have picked some of the greatest women to be friends with and they will be there for you.

The Okie Ya-Ya's.

Last Day of First Grade!!

You did it!!! You are going to be a second grader. Isn't this amazing? The year went by so fast.

I hope you have a ton of kids sign your t-shirt today and I promise I will have it framed by the end of summer. (hopefully this summer)

Last week was pretty rough but I think you handled yourself beautifully. Your friends diappointed you but you were able to forgive. That makes you better at forgiveness then me. I didn't get your teacher an end of year gift for you to give her today. This way she will realize where you get your maturity level.

Rock on Sista!!! I love you!

When Reality Bites (First Graders are Fickle)

A part of me doesn't want to write down the memory of yesterday and yet the other part of me thinks it is important and a life lesson. My stomach still has a knot in it and if I think about it too long I tear up. But you? You held yourself together. You held your tears until we pulled into the safety of the garage. How long was that? Six hours? Amazing and strong but so heartbreaking for me to hear.

Yesterday was Friendship Bracelet Day. All week the first grade classes have done something special each day. Monday-Puzzle Day, Tuesday-Coloring Book Day, Wednesday-Yearbook Signing Day, Thursday (yesterday)-Friendship Bracelet Day. The week will end with a picnic in the park on Friday.

Mommy didn't have a bracelet making kit for you to take to school. I didn't even have any beads. I am sorry. But I just knew there would be extra and that you would be covered. It was going to be okay and I had convinced you of that on our way to school. It was going to be fine....

When I picked you up from your daycare I could see immediately something was wrong. You were not even close to me when I saw you. Your class was down at the end of the hall getting ready to go outside and play. But there was something, something about your shoulders, and your face, your face looked blank. I thought maybe you were sick or were disappointed that I had come to get you before you had a chance to play outside. I didn't know but I knew something was different about you.

When we got in the car I asked how your day was. What was wrong? When you started to tell me about everyone making the Friendship Bracelet my heart gave a lurch. I was willing myself to hear you out and not react, no matter what was going to be said.

You told me that you were able to share with other kids and make bracelets of your own. That your friend had let you borrow some blue beads. I quickly looked at your wrists....nothing, then looked down your legs to see if maybe the ankles......nothing. Oh no, this is going to kill me but I asked anyway. "Where are your bracelets?"

That's when you told me that no one wanted to give you a bracelet. Not even the girls that had extra. You had tried to give your friend the bracelet you had made and she wouldn't take it. It had beads that changed color when they were exposed to sunlight. You asked, Jaden, the boy that likes you, he didn't want it either. And no one would even trade bracelets with you. You ended up giving the bracelet you made to your teacher.

I asked you why you didn't just keep that one you made because I would have worn it. You told me that I couldn't wear it, it is a Friendship Bracelet not a Mommy Bracelet.

What about the boys? Did they all have a bracelet?

You told me that they did. That you were the only one that no one gave a bracelet to, your friend (?) wouldn't even give you one.

I held your hand the whole way home.

When we pulled into the garage you didn't want to get out. Instead you leaned your head back against the seat. I asked you if you were trying not to cry. Your eyes filled up and you nodded and then you reached for me and you were able to let it go. You sobbed asking me why would no one give you a bracelet. I told you I had no idea but that you were home now and I would take care of you.

My baby girl, I love you so much. You might not remember this once you grow up. And if you do not remember the hurt as true pain then that will be a blessing. But I do want you to remember what happened because this, this very reason is why you must be nice and not be a mean little girl. Elementary school can be filled with mean little girls but wait until Jr. High it can be much worse.

Today, I saw you at lunch. You are fine. You are laughing and talking to all your little friends and they all want you to stand with them in line for the park. I didn't take a chance though. I took you out for lunch and we had a wonderful time even though you don't think I should get a Friendship Bracelet.

Hip Hop, It brings families together.

You did GREAT!! You did your very best and it showed. Take away a full length mirror and boy oh boy you are in the zone.



I had no idea that they would turn off the lights and you would glow in the dark. Thank goodness you don't wear a bra yet. Take it from me black lights are not your friend if your top is thin and you are under the age sixteen. (That will eventually change, but you will have to wait until you are in Mexico at Senor Frogs) What a great time you had performing on stage. But I think you liked hanging out in the gym dressing room more because later that was all you talked about-how much fun you had waiting to go on stage.

Your grandparents all came to watch their granddaughter and that went off without a hitch. They all brought you flowers and thought you did a great job. They really liked your outfit and they thought your makeup looked so grown up "Wow, what long lashes. Oh my..." I think they all saw my future and it was not pretty.

Once you have learned how to drive I will be able to explain to you the exact feeling I had when I realized it was going to really happen - I was going to have to introduce your Marmie, my mom, to Miss Pat, my stepmother.

It was the exact feeling you get when you think a car is coming right at you and is going to hit you but then misses. Or when you are speeding (not that you ever ever would) and you see a police officer hiding sitting in his car behind an overpass. I pitted out, seriously, my adrenaline rushed right through me and exited out my armpits. I hope that you are never ever in that posistion. However, if by some miracle you and your bio-dad meet you might live through the moment too. And you will live, believe me. Just be sure to wear cotton, it breathes and is absorbent. Cute retro print satin top? Not so much.

Hip Hop Connection

This weekend is your Hip Hop dance recital. It is your first real live performance. At least a performance on a stage in front of complete strangers, your family has sat through many many impromptu performances. You have been practicing this Hip Hop routine for months to the music and lyrics of Rhianna's Umbrella song.

I feel anxious. Anxious for many reasons. One, because you have not paid much attention in class and prefer to look in the floor to ceiling wall to wall mirror instead of watching and listening to your instructors demonstrate and count off the dance moves. On the way home from your dance practices I have tried to gently tell you to really pay attention and follow the instructions, your recital is coming up and you want to do your best. You have just said uh huh and can we listen to Disney? I stressed listening and watching your teacher. I built you up telling you what a fabulous dancer you are . At home.

And then there was the parent watch night a week before the upcoming recital. In one word - sloppy. You were so interested in the little cheap and flimsy umbrella prop that you were the only one going opposite direction while the rest of your class twirled the umbrella in the opposite hand as you and went the other way. After class I had to tell you. You need to pay attention, you are going to be embarrassed, if I didn't think you could do this I wouldn't get on to you, you need to stiffen up, you need to practice. When I told you that your teacher would not be standing in front and leading you during the recital you started to tear up. Reality set in. Ugh! I wish there was some way I could teach you the routine but I can't because I am so Elaine when it comes to dancing. Believe me you will find this out.

This past week you have been practicing. Asking me if I notice how stiff your arms are. Telling me that you are so much better now. I think it will be fine. I am just trying to protect you because I know how excited you are to show your grandparents your dance and you get embarrassed so easily. But you love your outfit with the hat and can't wait to wear makeup, real makeup.

All your grandparents are coming. Your Grammy from California, your dad's mom, flew in last night for the show. Your Pops, my dad who paid for all your lessons, is coming and bringing Miss Pat, his wife and your grandmother. Your Marmie, my mom, is coming up for the day and can't wait to see the actual routine performed having caught snippets as you have showed off when she comes by to visit.

But Marmie has never met Pops's wife, Miss Pat. This will be the first time my mother and stepmother will see each other outside of a picture frame. I am the one anxious and there is no practicing for this. But it is what you wanted. You wanted everyone to come and see you perform and they are.

I am so glad you are just seven. If you mess up and turn the wrong way no one will care, you are a young performer and all 7 year olds have short attention spans. Besides you are too cute and you are going to do great! Because you are seven you will never know the anxiety the adults are all feeling before the meet and greet. For that I am so very thankful. Break a leg!!

Sharing a Bed

There have been many changes in your life and sometimes you roll with those changes and other times the fear brings chaos and erratic emotions that try my tiny string of patience. It took some time for you to sleep alone in your own bed. The light had to be just right the TV set to the correct sleep timer number. How you knew a half an hour was 30 minutes and caught me setting it for just 20. The crying, the negotiating, the hugging my neck for dear life, and finally my flash point of anger for you to Buck Up! I am just going to the couch, 20 feet away!

How did we get in such a habit? You and I going to bed at the same time or you going first and making my side hot with your furnace like heat. Was I weak?

I like to think it was because of Marmie. When she moved in with us she let you sleep with her while I traveled to the other side of the world. You both needed each other. Your grandmother no longer had my father to sleep by her after deciding 36 years of marriage was long enough. And you, you needed her because I was working and could not even be home for your birthday. (I will always be sorry for that)

But when we moved to our own house, just you and I, the first house I was able to buy for us because I traveled to the other side of the world and broke free from single mother poverty, we spent many nights snuggled together in my bed. So many nights I would pick you up from daycare and we would both take a bath and get ready for bed. It was only 6:30 but what else were we going to do? Some of those nights I was able to convince you that peanut butter and crackers was a perfectly healthy dinner and I even threw in a Capri Sun to let you know how special it was.

But then our family was going to change. We were going to have a man in the house. You would have to sleep in your own bed. I had been told by many people that I should never have started this bed sharing habit, that it would be hard for you if I ever got married. But marriage seemed so far away at the time and I needed you, I think more than you needed me.

So I started the weening process. Months before your stepfather and I were going to be married. We didn't want you to think it was because of him. No, better that you think I no longer want you to sleep with me, just for me. It was not easy. I said so many things to you that I regret. My anger was right there for you to see. I am sorry. But eventually, you did it. You were sleeping in your own bed and without crying and gnashing of teeth when I tucked you in.

I have missed you. I know I am not suppose to and really I do sleep so much better but I miss you playing with my ear and spontaneously kissing the top of my hand as I wrap my arm around you. I know why I did this co sleeping, it was to make up for all the time I was away from you during the day. You are older now, in first grade. You don't need me to hold you so much. Sometimes you even shrug me off just like I did to you when you hung on my legs and never let me go the bathroom while you toddled around the house. I get it.

But this weekend, the third weekend in May, I have an empty spot in my bed. There is a concert in Dallas that I am not going to. I absolutely love being married and I know you love him too but hopefully this weekend either you sleep in my bed with me or I will finally succumb to the urge and climb into bed with you.